The Most Improbable Man

If I never find him, what do I lose?

TL’DR: If he never responds, I already carry the gift of calm and proof I can connect deeply. If he does, I don’t want a fantasy or a script — only a chance to continue honestly from where we left off, to walk, talk, maybe hold, and share something as simple as coffee and cake.

Somebody questioned my efforts to reach R*** as obsession. So I asked myself: how do I separate the man from what he represents? To — you know — help you determine if you’re dealing with a psychotic person or something more real. The “Internet Gods” asked me these two questions:

1. If I never find him, what do I lose?
2. If I do find him, what do I really hope to gain?

If I do find him, what do I hope to gain?

I admit that never knowing if he actually received my message feels discouraging. But I approached everything with that in mind. I don’t want to out him — that’s why my descriptions are vague enough to land near him, but never on him. He has to choose to identify himself.

If he does receive my message and never responds, I am at peace with him being just a memory and a reminder. Because what I’ve already gained is proof: I can connect to another person on a deeper level than just pleasant chat with friends. (And right now I’ve got three — two of them kind of emotionally unavailable.)

The tension melded into me by living in this world is gone. I’ve been given the unexpected gift of sudden calm and quiet, which now lives in my chest from now on. I can feel the peace. I can hold it. And if, by some grace of fate, he discovered that same peace too, I will remain content and happy for him.

If the message reaches him and he chooses to contact me, you could imagine plenty of scenarios I might wish to happen. Because you know — we are human, we have imagination. Honestly? That’s bull. I have no script for how I want it to go. Expectations are hollow. I’m too old to be bothered by them.

Of course I wish we had the chance to meet again. To start where we ended. To walk and talk. To split it all open. To let him vent, question my sanity, even give out to me for the stupid thing I did by looking for him. And then, to let him choose if he wants me to hold him for a while.

And then talk some more. And have coffee and cake. Sugar always makes people feel better. Unless you’re diabetic — in that case, I’ll eat something keto.

I’m not looking for a romance trope. I’m ready for his choice. What I want is authentic continuation — not a storybook ending.